Brandon's story

Hello Fellow Travelers, 

As I prepare to enter into the next few days, I decided to share a few words with you. I want to thank you again for your continued support over the years. This writing is in honor of my healing journey, my son Brandon, my children, and to any of you who have experienced a death loss, and grief. 

May the words I share bring some hope and healing. This week marks the anniversary of my son Brandon's transition. It is not a time I look forward to. I do use it as a time to deepen my commitment to my own sacred healing journey, as well as honor his life. I am entering into a portal of healing love, a cocoon of sorts, so that I can feel connected to my son in spirit and be reminded of the many steps I have taken over the last five years on this healing journey.

 What has helped me most? There is much that I have implemented and counted on to see me through, yet the most important things are the ways that I have met myself.

 I have met myself with compassion. This is not an easy thing to do, yet it is always the gold that we search for to help ease the pain of life's greatest challenge. The gold of applying compassion to self and others. Self first. I have met myself with kindness. The kindness that offers a buffering place within where I can retreat to when the harshness of the world gets too close.

 I have met myself with non-judgment. To continuously release judgment and criticism lends itself to being constructive within the destruction of loss. Nonjudgment, releases the unforgiving need to criticize or critique my progress, or feelings. Nonjudgment is the space to figure out what I need when I need it and to understand a helpful truth- that no two people grieve alike. What helped me, may not be helpful to another. I applied what is helpful to me.

 I have met myself with a devotion to meeting my needs. Each day I ask myself, "what do I need". I did this so often in the first weeks and months and now I suppose I am almost programmed to reach for what I need.  I was trained to always ask "what do you need?" At times what I need is to tend to others. At times, I couldn't lift a finger to tend, if I tried. 

 I met myself with open minded trust. I trusted that my body was directing me. When I am tired, I rest, when I can't sleep, I used soothing music and meditation apps. So many good ones, so easily accessed. I met myself Spirit to Human. I accepted my humanness and my need to grieve and spend time in sadness and pain.

 I met my Spirit and let her guide me in sweet connection with my son, and all the magical synchronicities, signs and symbols he continuously gives me. I met myself in the place of Spirit, higher consciousness, dimensions beyond this earth bound one. I met myself with salt baths and massages and body gentleness.  I met myself with meditation and prayers and states of spiritual awareness so I could feel and know my son's essence. 

I met myself with a deep connection with Spirt, Gaia, the mysteries of life, and angels. I met myself by feeling. I learned how feeling is healing and the feelings that surface when walking the path of grief are immense. Huge. Overwhelming. Unbearable. Yet it is possible to go through these feelings. Get to the other side. I met myself on the other side of the most difficult feelings.

 I met myself through the hearts and sweet faces of my grown children and grandchildren. I met myself in their touch, and their hugs and in meals shared and tears cried. I met myself in their milestones, and everyday hardships and triumphs. I met myself with them.  I met myself each morning as I greeted the day, not sure if I was ready, or if I could do it. I met myself in whatever frame of mind I was in. This was the hardest part, to meet myself in sadness, and sometimes terror, and not try to move it too soon.

 I met myself at the end of the day. In gratitude. I met myself in the secret knowledge that so many deny. Life is short. No one knows how many days we have. Let's make the most, and look for the Love.  I met myself in reverence, respect, honoring and ritual. I met myself in ceremony. I met myself in honoring my deep inner knowing of ceremony and ritual. I pulled it out from the depths of my being, and it was as if I knew exactly what to do and when to do it.

 I met myself as an ancestor, an ancient, a priestess.  I met myself as I applied self healing each day. Lighting candles, walking in nature, reading inspirational words, listening to music, holding moon ceremony, gratitude ceremony, making prayer mandalas, and by continuing my relationship with my Spirit son.

 I met myself in creating and maintaining a nest, a cozy, nurturing, nourishing environment. I met myself in its grace, and in "the peace of its benediction."  I met myself with grief counseling, art therapy and grief group support. I met myself with forgiveness. Over and over, as questions arise and "if only's" rear their incredibly ugly head. I met myself with confidence that I provided my son with so much love, and guidance, and unwavering support throughout his life.

I met myself with forgiveness for others when they could not or would not meet me. I met myself in the pain of betrayals and abandonment that I felt when this occurred. I met myself with not having to have answers and making peace my #1 priority. Peace of mind. Peace in the heart. The way the mind will try and figure out answers to the unanswerable questions of death and tragedy will steal every ounce of peace. I made peace with this truth that our minds can break in such times of deep grief.

 I met myself in not caring, and trusting that my mind would remember only that which brought more peace. I met myself by setting boundaries on my time, and energy. I met myself by not explaining , or proving my needs, my decisions, my actions. I met myself with self-trust. Even if I was shaky, I said no, or yes. I listened to my wisened, battle weary heart. 

I met myself in friendships with the most amazingly loving and kind people. I met myself in friendships with soul sisters, and soul family. I met myself in friendships with others who have experienced child loss and know the otherworldly joys and sorrows and amidst it all, have thriving lives. Most of all, we gave each other the kindness of unconditional love. 

I have met myself in continued inspiration within the depths of human connection. I met myself as a work in progress, and as a masterpiece too! I met myself with writing, writing, writing. I met myself with teaching and sharing and opening my heart wide. 

I met myself in my shattered heart. I met myself as self-healer, as medicine woman of my heart and soul, of wise elder, as broken mother, as healing mother, as devastated child, as Black Madonna. I met myself as fierce protector. 

I met myself as I surrendered into the arms of the Divine.Over and over again. I surrendered into the strongest, most unconditional loving energy.  I will continue to meet myself and surrender into the light of my soul. I will be guided as I traverse my life and continue to be in service to healing. 

May you meet yourself in all the ways that are nourishing and healing for you. Wherever you may find yourself, may you be held, right where you are and feel the sweetness of all that you have met, faced, walked away from, and walked through. May the bitterness and difficulties, be transformed into a way to meet yourself through it all. With much love and healing from my sacred Cocoon.

Love, 

Mary 1/13/22